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Iowahawk: London Swings Like a Scimitar Do

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Iowahawk (or his British doppelganger) just happened to be in London (what are the odds?) today, and since he knows where all the good trashbins are (it’s that journalistic instinct) he discovered the first draft of Michael Hodges’ piece for Timeout London: London’s Swinging Again - Like a Scimitar!

Islam — it’s the capital’s hottest lifestyle trend! A growing religion, based on noble traditions and compassionate principles, yet infidels sometimes get the wrong impression because of ignorance and misunderstanding and the occasional subway bomb. Here Time Out argues that an Islamic London would be ab fab!

The expectant crowd ululates as the open-backed lorry drives slowly around the Picadilly Circus – known since the Islamic revolution of 2021 as The Mohammad Sidique Khan Roundabout – nudges its way through the thousands gathered. The loudspeakers blare: “Good news! By order of Sultan Charles, Islamic RAF bombers have finally destroyed the criminal Zionist entity!” The lorry spills a load of Cadbury bars in the street and the celebration erupts, with cheers of ‘Allahu akbar’ …

Farfetched? According to current demographic trends, this sweets-filled celebration is only part of the fun awaiting future Londoners with Islam becoming the hottest trend to hit the city since Beatlemania. Unfortunately, like the rock ‘n’ roll Teddy Boys of the 50’s, the scootering Mods of the 60’s, and the safety pinned-Punks of 70’s, London’s cutting-edge Islamic fashionistas are causing panic and hysteria among uptight Tory squares. Loosen up daddy-o, it’s time to set the record straight about Britain’s Fab Four Million!

For a start, Islam is not an alien religion to London. At the end of World War I the city sat at the heart of a vast Empire that had 160 million Muslim subjects. Forty years later and the end of that Empire, mass immigration brought millions of Muslims to these shores. Today, London has made a dramatic comeback and is poised once again to be the seat of a new Empire with millions of Muslim subjects. Well done, England!

According to the 2001 census there are 607,083 Muslims living in London (310,477 males and 296,606 sub-males). By 2012, the Muslim Council of Britain estimates that the Muslim population of suburbs like Bennyhill, Fishwife, Swineham Forest and Snotney will be 250,000, not counting the lads who will be in Pakistan training for martyrdom operations.

This growth has strained London’s mosques, many of which have come dangerously close to male-female prayer contact due to overcrowding. Luckily there are plans afoot to build the UKs biggest mosque – capable of welcoming 40,000 worshippers – near the 2012 Olympic site, which itself could also make an even bigger mosque if you think about it. This has prompted predictable outrage from some of Fleet Street’s reactionary and ill-informed tabloids. No wonder Muslim disillionment and explosion are at an all time high.

But rather than fear the inevitable changes and possible detonations this will bring to London, or buy in to a racist representation of all Muslims as terrorists, we should recognise both what Islam has given this city already, and the advantages it would bring across a wide range of areas in the future.

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 Frank says:

If it can be conceived as music, it can be executed as music, and presented to an audience in such a way that they will perceive it as music: "Look at this. Ever seen one of these before? I built this for you. What do you mean, 'What the f*ck is it?' It's a goddam ETUDE, asshole."