Little Green Footballs - The Draft European Constitution

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-♻RetweetThe Draft European Constitution

Fri, Dec 12, 2003 at 6:40:13 pm PST

LGF reader “iowahawk” has been dumpster diving again, this time in the rubbish bins behind the European Summit in Brussels, and he’s found another gem—a working draft of the first part of the EU Constitution. He has translated it from the original French and forwarded it to the LFG Foreign Correspondent’s desk.

No wonder the summit dissolved amid gloomy sad faces.

***

DRAFT EUROPEAN CONSTITUTION

PRERAMBLE.

We the intellectuals of the European Union, in order to create a more docile bourgeois, establish subsidies, insure domestic rail service, provide for the general Moroccan immigrant community, promote the regional autogyro industry, and secure comfortable holiday accommodations in Ibiza for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the European Union.

ARTICLE I

Section 1. All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a dazzling committee of the Avant Garde, which shall consist of a “Sartre” and “House of Foucaults.”

Section 2. The House of Foucaults shall be composed of members appointed, bicentennially, by a blue-ribbon panel of the Societe Internationale de Jerry Lewis.

Section 3. The Sartre of the European Union shall be composed of an equal number of representatives, appointed by the The Sartre of the European Union. Or will it? Pff. Life, it is so absurd.

Section 4. A fully-staffed chateau, along with a Chauffeur, will be provided.

Section 5. And also a clean, late-model Mercedes, with the dark window-tinting.

AMENDMENTS

I. The Intellectuals shall make no law disrespecting the establishment of Sharia, for this is surely going to set off some Imam, and the whole business could become quite nasty. Also, there will be a 11.62% VAT on television equipment to ensure freedom of the BBC.

II. A well regulated lumpenprole being necessary to the security of the EU Staff, the right of Chauffeur to gun the Mercedes through mobs of angry protesters shall not be infringed.

III. Ajax Amsterdam supporters will receive free 1-year hovercraft vouchers if their club finishes in the Quarterfinals of the European Cup.

IV. EU Municipalities will strictly adhere to the provisions of the 2001 Maastricht Accords on Metric Dog Poo Reporting.

V. All EU children shall have the right to free public education, from age 5 through year 48.

VI. All EU citizens shall receive free health care.

VII. All EU airport security guards shall receive free guns, in order to subdue escaping doctors.

VIII. Host nation of the “Euro Song Competition” will rotate alphabetically among member states, starting with Luxembourg.

IX. Cows of EU dairy operations have full rights to heated teat-graspers, and barn music from Kraftwerk.

X. Your Amendment Here! Call 1-800-ELF-AQUITAINE

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41 comments

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Deathberg Fri, Dec 12, 2003 4:42:35pm

OT memo to Teacake: You have been quoted by anonymous people for no reason.

Paul Stinchfield Fri, Dec 12, 2003 4:45:28pm

"All EU children shall have the right to free public education, from age 5 through year 48."

Judging from the pronouncements of Europe's elites, there are a lot of 48-year-old children.

cameo Fri, Dec 12, 2003 4:46:34pm

IX. Cows of EU dairy operations have full rights to heated teat-graspers, and barn music from Kraftwerk.

WHOA! The cows of europe have it f'ing SWEET! I wish I had heated teat-graspers and kraftwerk as my background music.

ethos Fri, Dec 12, 2003 4:48:04pm

Bwaaahaaahaaa!

Laura SF Fri, Dec 12, 2003 4:50:10pm

Wonderful! My favorite is the 2nd Amendment (believe it or not).

I couldn't resist "doing something" with the picture Charles posted below - I know this should go on that thread, but I want people to see it: The Axis of Weasels.

Mr Pol Fri, Dec 12, 2003 4:55:35pm

That EU constitution would actually be an improvement over the currect draft.

dgd Fri, Dec 12, 2003 4:56:59pm

Absolutely beautiful. The sad part is some of my European friends would think this is a real document. It is satire...isn't it???...well...like...dude.

ethos Fri, Dec 12, 2003 5:08:46pm

Between this and
[Link: www.allahpundit.com...]

I've totally peed myself laughing. thanks.

Dar ul Harbarian Fri, Dec 12, 2003 5:09:47pm

I loved VI and VII !

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HULUGU Fri, Dec 12, 2003 5:15:49pm

awf--as i said on the other thread--you need a judicial amendtment based on the derrida code of justice in which the most powerful physically strong litigant who tells the best narritive of the facts wins the case--the supreme court is to be housed on the rue de rivoli in paris in a post modern building with no walls, doors or windows based on deconstructive architectural principals--its not really there--but if enough powerful people tell you its there-you think it is-and you enter it

alan Fri, Dec 12, 2003 6:32:42pm

more of the same from the bogotts at LGF. Europe is a democracy (apart from Italy). Bush bought his way into power as did all American leaders. You guys are pathetic.

Model4 Fri, Dec 12, 2003 6:36:27pm

Right now the History Channel is running a piece on the Berlin Airlift, with our pilots braving the provocations of Soviet fighters to bring in food. Has some great footage of German kids running after the plane of a pilot know as "The Candy Bomber" because he'd package candy in little parachutes and toss it out for the kids during his landing approach.

No real point to this, just wondering if that bastard Gerhard Schroeder is not just free today, but alive due to our generousity.

hans ze beeman Fri, Dec 12, 2003 6:38:23pm

#11: moron

Europe is a democracy

Thanks, I needed a laugh before going to bed. I must be fit tomorrow, to consider which EU commissioner I'll elect next time. I think I'll vote Danish.

alan Fri, Dec 12, 2003 6:41:06pm

European Commisioners are unelected. Read up before you post.

brianstien Fri, Dec 12, 2003 6:43:54pm

G_dDAMN, iowahawk - you've set an insanely high bar for your forthcoming blog. Looking forward to it... LOL!

Model4 Fri, Dec 12, 2003 6:50:00pm

#11 alan: Considering that the vast majority of European countries haven't amassed a consecutive century of democratic rule, I'd say you're skating on pretty thin ice. Factor in the embrace being extended to sharia, it looks as if it's the natural tendency for the continent.

Don't worry though, we'll naturally save some Europeans, because visas to allow them to leave their nations behind and live and work in the US are still popular enough to form lines longer than the eye can see.

alan Fri, Dec 12, 2003 6:59:22pm

I guess you havn't been to an immigration queue in the USA recently. Not many want to join the land of Patriot 1 or 2.

Over here the queues are pretty long. We are a free people.

That 'sharia' nonsense of yours is reactionary racism.

J.D. Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:02:52pm

bogotts=bigots ?

alan Where exactly is 'over here' to you?

alan Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:04:43pm

I agree.

Europe, the land of the free

alan Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:07:04pm

Apologies, I have to go.

J.D. Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:08:38pm

#20 alan

No problem. At all.

zulubaby Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:12:29pm

alan calls us bigots, tells us we're pathetic, accuses us of racism, and then suddenly finds his manners?

Apologies, I have to go.

Buh-bye.

J.D. Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:22:11pm

#22 zulubaby

alan calls us bigots, tells us we're pathetic, accuses us of racism, and then suddenly finds his manners?

Pretty run-of-the-mill if you ask me. We've seen better, wouldn't you agree?

zulubaby Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:26:31pm

J.D. (#23)

We've seen better, wouldn't you agree?

LOL, oh yes we have. That trolly was boring really.

HULUGU Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:37:18pm

alan was obviously a twit/twat--slam[racist]-bam[bigot]-thank you ma'am--alan -boychick--next time take the time to kiss me if your going to fuck me--how 'bout a little sophisticated euro lovin' dude

dgd Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:39:43pm

PRERAMBLE.

Funny, really funny.

Missed it the first time.

Korora Fri, Dec 12, 2003 7:45:49pm

Bush bought his way into power as did all American leaders.

'Script off and link if all you have is parroted lies.

grayp Fri, Dec 12, 2003 8:33:15pm

"ARTICLE I

Section 1. All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in a dazzling committee of the Avant Garde, which shall consist of a “Sartre” and “House of Foucaults.”

"Sartre" is a type - should be "Satire"

grayp Fri, Dec 12, 2003 8:37:57pm

oh hell -

Sartre" is a type - should be "Satire"

TYPE type TYPO

I'm way too tired for you people. Charles, please move back to NYC where the normal people live

quark2 Fri, Dec 12, 2003 8:51:38pm

Alan

Islam is not a race, so speaking negatively about shari'a law is not racist. Nothing reactionary about that.
Hope you enjoy your hair while you still have it. :)

Dom Fri, Dec 12, 2003 10:29:55pm

Iowahawk, amazing. All your stuff's making me laugh, and then I remember, oh, that Europe, where I live. Shit.

The Intellectuals shall make no law disrespecting the establishment of Sharia, for this is surely going to set off some Imam, and the whole business could become quite nasty. Also, there will be a 11.62% VAT on television equipment to ensure freedom of the BBC.

That would be in addition to the still rising license fee. For any other Brits, the BBC Charter Review (have your say) has gotten underway, which could see the BBC given a timescale on becoming commercial, or else some monumental overhauls quite possibly starting with scapegoat hunter Director General, Greg Dyke-Chirac (who just won't let go).

Tupsox Sat, Dec 13, 2003 12:07:54am

VI. All EU citizens shall receive free health care.

VII. All EU airport security guards shall receive free guns, in order to subdue escaping doctors.

nice :)

Döbeln Sat, Dec 13, 2003 1:32:39am

"Europe is a democracy (apart from Italy). Bush bought his way into power as did all American leaders"

Interesting. The recent campaign to "convince" us in Sweden to join the Euro cost at least 50 Million USD. (It failed - talk about inefficient spending...) The Current Bush war chest stands at about 110 Million USD - which is something of a record. Do a per capita calculation (approx 9 million swedes vs. 250 million US citizens) and we can start talking about where goverment is for sale. I should add Sweden has no campaign financing legislation to speak of.

Regards, Döbeln

- Stabil som fan!

Döbeln Sat, Dec 13, 2003 1:35:07am

"I guess you havn't been to an immigration queue in the USA recently. Not many want to join the land of Patriot 1 or 2."

Alan, would you care to line out what section of the Patriot act that bothers you? Please provide actual quotes from the relevant passage.

Regards, Döbeln

-Stabil som fan!

Döbeln Sat, Dec 13, 2003 1:37:48am

""Sartre" is a type - should be "Satire""

No, Sartre is a french (bullshit) Philosopher, much like Focault. If you wonder where the local liberal arts professors got their inpenetrable lingo, look no further than these guys...

Regards, Döbeln

-Stabil som fan!

JFM Sat, Dec 13, 2003 2:59:34am

I think that there is a very good criteria for a nation: are people trying to escape to it or from it? In times, it applied to the Eastern block. Now it applies to Europe. They are thousands and thousands of Europeans wanting to escape from EU to the United States but how amny Americans (even in the moonbat left) are willing to migrate to the land of the cowards and the land of the unelected?

hcq Sat, Dec 13, 2003 3:18:12am

#36 JFM

Don't know about that, but the last time I checked US and Canadian immigration statistics, the ratio of Canadians immigrating to the US was (proportionally) about twice that of Americans leaving for Canada.

Henry S. Sat, Dec 13, 2003 4:08:43am

#13 hans

RE: #14 alan