Onion: Tiger Woods Begins Sobbing Uncontrollably On 5th Hole Of U.S. Open
PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Overcome by problems in his personal life, an inability to get his golf game in order, and his foundering public image, Tiger Woods broke out into uncontrollable sobs on the fifth tee of the U.S. Open yesterday. “He took his practice swing, stood behind the ball to line up his shot, and then just lost it,” said playing partner Lee Westwood, adding that Woods’ sobs were punctuated with high-pitched yells of “What the hell is going on with my life?” “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” and “What are you all staring at?”