New Research in Hydrogen and Stupidity
I’ve often heard it said — and said so myself — that the two most common elements in the Universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity, and not necessarily in that order. Now we can measure Hydrogen by the mole and the atomic mass and the standard cubic centimeter, but how exactly do we measure Stupidity?
We’re going to need to be able to do this, because much like Entropy, the amount of Stupidity in the Universe seems to be increasing every day. Look no further than LGF’s news feed for enough incoming evidence to short out your synapses.
Therefore, pursuant to that course on Analytical Techniques that i took earlier this month, i have been using all the dead computers and other scientific junk that i have found lying around town to build an industrial-strength, heavy-duty, radiation-hardened Stupidioscope. This highly sophisticated instrument measures Stupidity the way a Mass Spectroscope measures the physical elements.
In the building of this instrument, the main question was how to quantify Stupidity. I mean, we don’t exactly have a unit for Stupidity the way we have other metaphorical measures, like ounces of prevention and pounds of cure. One choice shone clear and dull above the rest, though, and thus i propose the Derp as the standardized unit of Stupidiosity.
The Stupidioscope consists of a giant bank of fuses tuned to various powers of ten, and by the number of levels of blown fuses, we can derive the approximate level of stupidiousness being measured. I’ve designed it to handle up to 3.1416 yottaDerps — and that’s a yotta stupidity, but i sense that we have not begun to see the full scope of stupidness out there.
The only remaining issue is that Derps and kiloDerps and megaDerps must be considered relative units until i can calibrate the Derp. What is the building block of Stupidity? What is the value of a Derp? And at what point does Felony-Stupid end and Moral Derpitude begin?
Discuss. Because once i can get the Stupidioscope properly calibrated, we can post Stupidiographs in the sidebar of every entry on Failblog!