Just in case you were worried that our elected officials might be paying insufficient attempts to completely imaginary attempts to sully our precious national body fluids, or something, the legislature in Missouri has stepped up and bravely thrown itself athwart Agenda 21, the secret Illuminati UN plot to steal all our golfs.

“Agenda 21, a lot of people think it is a conspiracy theory, but it is a real book,” state Rep. Scott Fitzpatrick (R-Shell Knob) said. “It deals with property rights and our food source. It deals with our ability to produce food and employ agricultural methods.”

Note to Rep. Fitzpatrick. If you’re going to represent a place called “Shell Knob,” it’s probably better if you didn’t sound so much like, well, a knob.

As is typical when legislatures discuss imaginary things, the debate in Missouri was held at a very high level.

House Minority Leader Jacob Hummel (D-St. Louis) questioned how the state could ban something that is not law. “Do you think we should waste time on a mythical thing?” Hummel asked Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick argued that lawmakers “absolutely” should be discussing the bill and that local government executives may try to implement Agenda 21 through executive orders. Hummel asked if the state Legislature should consider other bans. “Could we talk about space aliens coming down? That could happen,” Hummel said. “If you believe space aliens exist, then you are welcome to introduce a bill,” Fitzpatrick shouted back.

OK, maybe not. But there was some very high-quality paranoia involved in the proceedings.

State Rep. Diane Franklin (R-Camdenton) linked Agenda 21 to a federal government declaration in 2011 that she said would have seized 1,200 homes along Lake of the Ozarks. The government said the homes were built on land belonging to a hydroelectric power plant. Franklin had no proof the U.N. was involved in the lake plan and acknowledged it’s unlikely there are U.N. spies in the federal or state governments.

Well, the folks can rest easily now, and stop frisking the guy running the Slurpee machine for wires.

More: Missouri Fends Off Agenda 21 - Missouri Saves Itself From Something