“The only thing that will stop a bad elephant with a gun, is a good guy with a gun.” - Theodore Roosevelt, photo credit: Library of Congress

While everyone’s crazy conservative uncle burns a unity candle for the Bundys and their ilk subsisting on the cold porridge of heritage seeds and tepid beer at the top of a snowy mountain in the ass end of Oregon, in a federal building the FBI can’t seem to locate, but one that federal funds paid for a helluva nice composite deck, the actual history of the area contradicts the romantic idea of legacy ranchers trying to make an honest living without the government a’tellin’ ‘em what to do. (Sorry, but the hillbilly word salad airing of late inspires long sentences.)

And, yes, they are hillbillies. They’re hillbillies of the worst kind. Poachers, liars, racists, religious fundamentalists, and secessionists. Gun-worshipping, misspelling, dipshits, with ridiculous names commemorating the dumbest made-up moments in American history since the literary genius of L. Ron Hubbard; including rope, twine, dirt, rocks, and all things folksy. But at the root of it all, despite those hardworking everyman values they toot with their loudest dog whistles, they want free shit. Yes, just like the fabled “welfare queen,” they want their free shit.

Except it isn’t their shit to want. It was never their shit. The shit they feel entitled to exists only in the land of Neverwas:

Malheur occupation in Oregon: whose land is it really?