I am not going to lie, this has been the worst year of my life. I feel extremely worn out, and I need a place to vent, and cry. So I will be using this to explain.

Friends

In February, I moved to Dallas from OKC, in doing so leaving behind a support structure that I knew I could count on. Since then, I have struggled to find friends to be with, and frankly a Muslim Community that has, with a few mild exceptions, been trying to “adjust” my personality.

In regards to this, there needs to be an explanation. Because of my Autism, I struggle socially, and in the past have had a major issue with Men giving me a hard time because of my Autism, so most of my friends have been women. Even after my conversion almost 6 years ago, this did not change. However, it is proving to be a struggle to find people similar to what I met in OKC down here. I also feel more comfortable around women, because I feel like that, around men, I constantly need to wear a macho and tough mask, which I simply cannot, as that is not who I am. I have been heavily influenced by my friends that I have had up to now.

I admit I have major difficulties. I can be clingy when I am feeling lonely, or when I feel people are pulling away. And I can be a bit pushy and weird, because I honestly don’t know how to approach things. And this has caused a lot of un-needed heartache especially with my 2 most loyal friends. All I really, really want is to have friends I can hang out with, talk with, and do fun things with. It would help alleviate the stress of what happened with the election, as I would not feel so alone and vulnrable.

It is worse around the holidays. The last time I remember a Holiday Season without yelling, screaming, and arguments must a have been before I moved to Colorado at 7. I see so many of my friends having lovely and great fun during the holidays, and feel like the kid looking through the window, seeing happy people while I am out in the snowy streets, trying to find anything warm to hold on to.

I know I need to be a better friend, but I wish I knew how. I feel as if I get unclear and contradictory tips and indications all the time, and just want things to be less complicated and feel safe among people.

Feelings of Uselessness

Many of my friends have been going on to bigger and better things after getting their degree, while I have failed to find a job in my field, and have worked jobs that are incredibly unfulfilling. My GPA wasn’t the greatest because of struggles at the time with Autism and Depression, I so feel like my degree is a worthless piece of paper. One professor I reached out for help to even told me to settle for disappointment in life, and lower my expectations. I am taking a certificate program now to try again, but because of past struggles, I doubt it will work.

It really doesn’t help also that I am the last person in my social group in OKC to not be engaged or married. It has been three years, and there is very little to show for it, despite the best efforts of a number of people, including my Imam. Marriage can be a bit different among Muslims, where things are more structured, and I am at a severe dis-advantage because of the fact that I am a Convert, and I am Autistic, but everyone I talk to in Dallas dismisses my concerns and says the boilerplate “Inshallah, it will happen,” with the exception of a single Imam I met about 2 weeks ago. It makes me feel like I am defective, which I guess I am, considering my Autism. It makes me feel like this picture down below, that I am too broken and defective to be looked at, and honestly, it hurts. I know everyone did their best in OKC, and the OKC Muslim Community needs to be commended.

And the Election

The Election has only made this worse. I was born in the US, and was raised believing that we were a tolerant country were we faced down our hatred. That has been proven painfully wrong, and I am seeing so many attacks on minorities and people from my own faith being attacked that it is bringing me to tears, and far too many conservatives I know are completely milquetoast in their response to this, and don’t want to address my fears and worrying. It feels like my country and community is being taken away from me, and no one cares. I love the Muslim Community we have developed in the US, which is moderate and largely free of Saudi Influence. And now it feels like it is about to be destroyed, and that concentration camps are coming up. This tweet helps sum up my attitude.

A team of literal white supremacists is one terror attack away from emergency powers in the United States.

— Iyad el-Baghdadi (@iyad_elbaghdadi) November 16, 2016

This is the heart of it. If you’re not terrified, you’re in denial. https://t.co/weCRKichJN

— Hend Amry (@LibyaLiberty) November 16, 2016

I feel like, for my own safety, I should leave, but I have no idea where to go. And then, if I do leave, I am completely alone. No family, no friends, nothing. I feel like there is no place in the world now for a Politically Liberal, moderate Muslim with Autism. It is heart-breaking, and I have been crying one out of every 2 days since last Tuesday, and been close to throwing up.

I am completely drained and exhausted on all fronts. I can barely carry any more weight. I just want things to get better, but all indications are things will get worse for me.