re: #85 Empire1

Cheer up — the UN is incompetent enough to make all the Evil Overlord mistakes, and more besides!

So now all we need is a competent Hero to take care of it.

rules for competant heros
I will maintain no association with sidekicks who employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my True Love.

I will ignore the Evil Overlord’s arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up about either, he would never have become an Evil Overlord in the first place.

When the Evil Overlord takes hostages, I will presume the hostages dead and hold a memorial service. Any promises made by the Evil Overlord regarding their safe return shall be summarily ignored. My loved ones will be warned to expect this.

I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord’s territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord’s propaganda pieces.

When the Evil Overlord is hanging on the cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I’ll kill him then and there.

When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so.

Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated.

If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete. Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphosize into something else, I will immediately start whacking away at it, instead of watching in fascination.

I will take no oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to persons of unproved character.

I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the others will still be able to catch on to the charade.

I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for examination, and will keep in mind the possibility of cloning technology or resurrection magic.

I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the Malicious Scowl or Wicked Leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.

Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to phrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.

I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join in my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord’s realm is to collaborate with him, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining.