On a serious note, the issue is of course, that we have a reasonably large percentage of the right who are prima facia paranoid delusional.

As to the real conspiracies…

The Paulians are very useful agents in that they draw away from our real plans for total world domination. Little do they know the true might of Remulak and that Zionism is actually a multiplanetary form of domination. You will eat bagels and you will like it! You might ask, why we, the Zionist Occupation of Remulak, don’t simply come here with our neutron death rays and take over… The answer is simple. There would be endless questions and endless attempts at revolution that would ultimately be bad for business. NO, everything must go sufficiently to hell for you, that you LOVE us when we take over.

You see, Agent W, flipped the most powerful nation on Earth so far to the right, and so disastrously so, that Agent Obama’s policies now seem reasonable to the vast bulk of voters. First, he expended your military might in fritters while chinking away at your economy (After all, there was never a need to carefully watch the few unelected men and women who controlled the flow of most of your planet’s wealth…) and after almost eight years in Iraq, a war fought on false pretenses, support for your military is at an all time low.

That way, we could easily install Agent Obama, who will finish the job on your economy while dismantling your military. We wouldn’t want any pesky rebellions. Bad for business.

In the mean time, Iran has been left to run amok. Those guys are insane you know - but predictably so. So predictably insane that it takes all of Agent Obama’s oratorical skills to keep people from noticing the threat. Of course, Agent W’s amazing work, has most people convinced that the word military = aggression, swagger and oppression. Obama could not have done it without W. Ultimately, we will be the “white knights” who save you from an Iran you did nothing about - and you will love us for it!

BWahhhaaahhhaaahhha.

But eventually, people would wake up and see the one two punch that your policies between left and right have given your world. That is why we have agents Paul and Buchannan on the right and Agents Pelosi and Code Pink on the left. That way both sides can be mocked to an extent that anything said by anyone is suspect.

Bwaaahhhaaahhhaaahha.

Ohhh, and keep saying that there is no global warming. Gigatons of greenhouse gasses have no effect… Keep telling yourself that Earthlings! And those of you on the Left, keep telling yourself that letting China and India pollute as much as you, while you pay them to pollute for you will work!

Man, your species is too stupid to own such a nice planet. You will loose it, because you deserve to. But, we are kind masters. We will only take your most beautiful women for ourselves and we will clean up your environment and give you bagels.

AND YOU WILL LOVE US FOR IT!