Good morning from Corpus Christi, Texas! We are under a DO NOT USE water ban, due to a “backflow incident” that occurred in the “industrial part of the city,” although the “industry has not been named.” An asphalt emulsifier has gotten into the city’s water supply, thanks to the refineries using potable city water (and apparently shitty backflow preventers). This means no hand washing, no dishwashing, no boiling — NOTHING can make it safe for use.

As a result, schools and restaurants are closed (who needs to work the week before Christmas, right?), and people are fighting over water in the stores. There are no handiwipes, stores are sold out of sanitizers, juice, sodas, etc. There are lines out the doors and around the buildings of people waiting for the next shipments of water to arrive.

Want a glimpse of what relaxed regulations nationwide under Cheeto Benito will look like? Come to my fair city and experience the awesomeness. Why, I can almost hear the businesses growing, unshackled from pesky laws, as I type this!!!