re: #238 A Mom Anon

Could you explain that, if I’m not being too personal? My son has a lot of trouble socially, and it’s certainly not from a lack of trying to make friends and do the right things. He just seems to miss “something”. I’m his mom, so of course I think he’s awesome(and really, he’s been a wonderful teenager, he’s kind, funny and generally sweet- perhaps because he’s not had a chance to be influenced much by his peers, not sure), it’s nice to get insight from someone who has been there, done that who is older.

It’s a subject I’m still working on. Here are some thoughts though.

It really is a matter of perception. Much of social life is domination rituals, setting pecking order in the troop. Body language, dress codes, manners of speaking, what’s interesting and cool, what’s not. All these things are done to establish a place in the world.

Some people, such as myself, look at these things and go “WTF?” For what ever reason (brain chemistry, life experience, that endless mixing of the two) they just can’t perceive the importance of these things. They may, like myself, literally be unable to perceive them at all. I often liken life to a minefield; a dangerous place where the hazards are well hidden and a single misstep means maiming or worse.

Like dyslexia I believe the best a person can do is come up with workarounds and learn to accept.

The biggest problem of course is that many people don’t accept a person with this type of perception. To them seeing the world a certain way is just fucking obvious and cannot fathom why another person doesn’t share that worldview. They then proceed to try and force people who don’t share their view into sharing it, and then cutting the person out of the troop when they can’t. Tribalism means if a person doesn’t fit in to the troop they have no place in the world at all.

Trying to overcome my social dyslexia and failing miserably every time contributed greatly to my mental illness.

The way I learned to handle it, in a nutshell, was acceptance. I started asking myself, “Who am I?” By doing so I learned both my strengths and my limitations. I learned to accept who I am, and that I don’t have a place in the ‘normal’ world. It’s why my handle is what it is. I am a romantic person, where ‘practical’ is the norm, and I’m a heretic, where belief is the norm.

Your son is still young, so he’s not quite fully formed, as it were. If he’s still in high school there will be problems because as Stephen King put it, “High school is the most caste ridden society in the world with the possible exception of Hindu India.” It will be difficult for him but if he looks at himself and stops worrying about what others think, save for those who care about him, he should do fine. If he learns who he is, plays to his strengths and accepts his weaknesses, it will be much easier for him. Once he has established his own identity his social circle will build naturally.

It’s rather like chemistry. Some elements bind more easily than other elements. Forcing elements to bind uses a lot of energy that could be used elsewhere to better effect, and the results are unstable.

Some people just aren’t highly social, and they shouldn’t sweat that they aren’t. They are who they are. If they are comfortable with themselves they’ll be fine. Personal identity is more important than group identity.

I hope that helps. This little essay is incomplete, as any thoughts put into words tend to be. Ask more questions if you need. I’ll be glad to answer them.