Rick Santorum’s Sex-Haunted World

The Iowa caucuses are over. Mitt Romney put his PAC boot on Newt Gingrich’s doughy pumpkin and climbed to first place. The surprise conservative candidate to emerge from the Iowa circus, coming in second place by fewer than ten votes, is Rick Santorum.

Everybody loved Santorum’s story about his grandpa’s giant coffin hands, because nothing is more American than an old man working himself to death in a coal mine, but what they probably weren’t thinking about was Rick Santorum’s position on birth control. He’s against it. He opposes the thing our modern way of life is founded on. That’s because Rick Santorum is haunted by the idea of sex.

Specifically, Rick Santorum, the guy who almost won the Iowa caucuses, supports a State’s Rights ban on birth control. Jimmy hats, sex pills, IUDs, implanted devices, ball-stomping, Olmos complexion contemplation, vasectomies; anything that can get between a hard dick and Jesus and make a man take a left down old V-street to Ciudad Sin. This is the sort of animosity for sex you usually only get painted on the wall of a crime scene by a hooker-slaughtering serial killer.