So, what did all you Lizards do this weekend?

I went to a retreat organized by the Humanist Cult. You know, the cult that is destroying the Moral Fabric of This Nation^TM, and corrupting America’s Children^TM. Anyway, it was held to celebrate the birth of the Great Prophet Darwin (Punctuated Equilibrium Be Upon Him), and it was a blast.

Upon arrival all attendees had to register at the Cathedral Indoctrinaria, and receive a pseudonym from the High Priestess to protect our secret identities. She said that because I was slow and methodical in my approach to our faith, I was to be dubbed “Master Turtle” (IN YOUR FACE Stackists!) She also mentioned something about me being crunchy on the outside and chewy on the inside, but (miracle of miracles) I got distracted by an event of spontaneous speciation, and tuned her out. Praise Be To Science!

The first day was pretty serious. We spent most of it brainstorming and debating different tactics on how to indoctrinate and brainwash America’s Children^TM into our cult. A lot of great ideas were tossed around, as were a lot of stupid ones. Much discussion was spent on using Heavy Metal music or marijuana, but we scrapped those because they were already being used by satanists and al-qaeda, respectively. We settled on using Nutter Butters. Seriously, who can resist those?

The second day there was a lot of activities and events, like bobbing for fossils, pin the whale tail on the evolving land mammal, and Tik-Taalak-Toe. The Primordial Soup Stand was a popular hot spot for hungry attendees. We ended the day in a sweaty orgy dedicated to the Reason and Logic of Science. Actually, it was just a social mixer with cake and punch, but it sounds way cooler when you call it an orgy. I’m telling all my friends it was an orgy.

On the final day we constructed massive altars to Her Holiness Secularis, the Goddess of Irony. We spent the rest of the evening offering blood sacrifices to those altars. When I say “blood” I mean pizza and beer, and when I say “altars”, I mean our mouths. I got hammered and spent the wee hours praying to the Porcelain God. Please don’t tell my co-religionists I made that vomit joke, they can be pretty humorless about heathen faiths, and might brand me a heretic even though I was just poking fun. Excommunication involves lighter fluid, duct tape, and hour after hour of Ben Stein books on tape. Trust me; it’s not as fun as it sounds.

So anyway, what did you guys do this weekend?