Dear Neighbor,

I’m sorry your girlfriend/wife got drunk and left you tonight. Thanks for calling the cops and insisting that she must have been at my house because her car was parked nearby. I just love having a cop knock on my door at midnight to check my ID to make sure I’m not her.

Be thankful that she isn’t driving, let her cool down, and let her sleep off the hangover. And solve your own goddamn problems next time without getting me involved in your drama. Asshole.

No love,
Me