Sexual Health Promises by Republican Candidates

As the race heats up for the Republican presidential nomination, each candidate has taken time to discuss the topics important to the party: immigrants, the rounding up and methodical execution of immigrants, and, of course, the disposal of immigrant corpses. But they don’t all agree on everything. In fact, when it comes to the nation’s sexual interest, each candidate envisions their morality ensuring, fun crushing utopia a little different.

Rick Perry, Governor of Texas
All sex toys banned with the exception of Monsanto vegetable products and young male interns.

Herman Cain, Former Pizza CEO
STD test results will be confidential between doctor, patient, and congregation.

Gary E. Johnson, Former Governor of New Mexico
First, they should be rounded up and killed. Then, wait, are we still talking about immigrants or women? Finally, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Ron Paul, Texas Representative
The term “lesbian” must at all times be preceded with “hypothetical.”

Newt Gingrich, Former House Speaker
Prior to an abortion, patient required to have caricature of fetus drawn at state fair.

Rick Santorum, Former Pennsylvania Senator
Mumbled something regarding his last name and “making them pay.”

Buddy Roemer, Former Governor of Louisiana
“God Bless America” and Ram Jam’s “Black Betty” will become the nation’s official Song to Get Freaky To

Mitt Romney, Former Governor of Massachusetts
Condom use restricted to “financially limited non-whites”

Jon Huntsman, Former Governor of Utah
Anderson Cooper to be executed for making men question sexuality, War in Iraq

Michele Bachmann, Minnesota Representative
A sordid redefinition of “trickle down economics”