Dear Gov. McDonnell,

Speaking as a Southern gal, may I make a statement about your declaration? Thanks kindly.

Let me put this in terms you can understand. The Confederacy tried to take a right turn in NASCAR. They lost. It’s over. Can we please stop pimping this war as anything other than a failed war over slavery already?

Also, do the black folks in Virginia get to be honorary slaves for their pasty white neighbors in your declaration, since it only honors the sacrifices of the whites in Virginia? Inquiring minds want to know.

By the way, please note that the Civil War wasn’t filled with a bunch of saintly knights in shining armor fighting against the evil, imperialist Fed to protect themselves. It also wasn’t a goddamned movie filled with hoop skirts, Rhett Butler, and dramatic death scenes filmed in slow motion. It was more like this and this and this.

Stop fucking glorifying this war, Bob. And for the love of all that is holy, stop pandering to those neo-Confederate imbeciles who can’t let the past go, and who use history as a way to mask their racism. You’re from the South and should damn well know better than that.

No love,
Me