ALLENTOWN, PA—Explaining how it would allow him to hunt terrorists from long distances in a variety of combat environments, local teen Alex Gibson informed reporters Monday that he would likely choose a gun with a night vision laser scope if he enlisted in the United States Army. “I used to think I’d want dual Uzis, but now I’m pretty sure I’d put that scope on an armor-piercing automatic rifle,” said the 15-year-old, adding that he would prefer his weapon also be fitted with a silencer and painted matte black to maximize his stealth during the special ops raids he elected to join. “It’s a good weapon for when I’m the demolition guy, but just in case I needed to snipe someone, I’d also want a backup .50-cal gun with an extra-long zoom lens. And obviously I thought about having a grenade launcher too, except in close quarters combat I’d much rather have a Glock with a customized grip.” Gibson added that he would also probably go through helicopter pilot training just in case he ever wants to fly an Apache during a mission.

theonion.com