re: #536 Renaissance_Man

I was attending an emergency case where a van had rolled over with four Tongan lads inside. For those unfamiliar with Pacific Islanders, they are large people. And by large, I mean nine out of ten Tongan boys make NFL linemen look like delicate flowers. Somehow four of them had crammed into this eight seater van, and it had rolled doing sixty on the highway.

The baby of the bunch, a mere 360 pounder or so (I’m converting in my head from metric), was in radiology to check for broken bones - all of their injuries were reasonably minor. However, this little guy was notable because he was lying, somewhat embarrassed, on his side on a groaning gurney, unable to move because of his injuries, with a 12-inch tail hanging off the end of him.

Now, it should be noted that Islander names abuse vowels far too much, and so rather than attempt to pronounce Filiauaeaua Mo’aoeualalua, or whatever, we shall henceforth know this fellow as Meat Tail Man. Meat Tail Man was not seriously injured, but upon removing his clothing (they aren’t kidding about wearing clean underwear in case you’re in an accident, folks), the appendage for which he was named quickly became something of note, especially to those of us of a less mature mindset.

Apparently this guy had had his prolapsed rectum for years. Like, since he was a kid. And it had gotten worse and worse, till by now every time he had a bowel movement, or coughed, or laughed, or whatever, 12 inches or so of his colon would pop out. At which point he would pop it back in. The shock of the accident had, naturally, caused him to let it all hang out, and his injuries had prevented him stuffing it back in before he got to the emergency room.

The attending radiologist, an old fashioned man, sent me off on a run to a nearby supermarket to buy 2 kilos of table sugar. Upon my return, he dumped a mountain of sugar over Meat Tail Man’s meat tail, and we waited. The sugar sucked out all the fluid, leaving the meat tail shriveled and flaccid, at which point the doctor snipped it off, and admonished Meat Tail Man not to be such a stupid bastard in the future.

Now that is the sort of story I am used to hearing from medical types.

My Brother has one about a man who needed a zucchini removed.