Happy World Cup! US vs England at 2:30 ET today.

In honor of that great event, let’s check out what our wingnut brethern have to say about soccer:

News Busters helpfully rounds up a summary of deep conservative thought about soccer from the Weekly Standard and others, and tells us that the low scoring nature of soccer is all about liberals’ love for death, despair, and socialism.

No game in which actually scoring goals is of such little importance could possibly occupy the attention of average Americans. Our country has yet to succumb to the nihilism, existentialism, and anomie that have overtaken Europe.”

Soccer’s 0-0, 1-1 or 1-0 outcomes don’t sit well with Americans, who like to think that work accomplishes something, the authors wrote. “Soccer is the perfect game for the post-modern world. It’s the quintessential expression of the nihilism that prevails in many cultures, which doubtlessly accounts for its wild popularity in Europe. Soccer is truly Seinfeldesque, a game about nothing, sport as sensation.”

Stephen H. Webb wrote for First Things in 2009, “More than having to do with its origin, soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair. Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.”

Quick, someone tell all the fans of hockey that they’re unamerican too!

Fox News invites its readers to submit photoshops about the world cup; their slideshow includes this homoerotic gem:

I can’t even take a guess at what the other images are supposed to mean.

NewsBusters also reminds us that soccer is played by brown people, and supporting soccer means supporting a pro-brown people agenda:

[The liberal media] are no happier with America’s rejection of soccer than with its rejection of socialism.

Hence Americans are “xenophobic,” “isolated” and lacking in understanding for other nations and their passion for “the planetary pastime,” as Time magazine put it. But, they are confident, as America becomes more Hispanic, the nation will have to give in and adopt the immigrants’ game. […]

Gawker as usual has the best take:

So remember, American readers, that when you’re flipping the channel to any World Cup soccer games in the next month, you’re really just spitting on George Washington.

wonkette has more.:

**Update: LGF’s top researcher, Gus802, finds Glenn Beck’s chalkboard and all is revealed.