Record Year For Abortion Restrictions

While recent federal attempts to impede women’s access to safe, legal abortions have failed to pass the Senate, at the state and local level, 2011 has seen far more new restrictions placed on reproductive rights than in any previous year. Here are some of the laws now on the books:

The Social Engineering Provision (Connecticut): Abortions are available only when the woman is facing dire risks such as being mousy, husky, or flat-chested

Maximization of Pathos Act (California): After a termination procedure, clinicians must gaze into the patient’s eyes and say, “It was a boy”

Fair Warning Act (Vermont): Prior to procedure, headphones placed over the patient’s abdomen must blare the sound of a 90-decibel Klaxon horn

The You Monster Act (South Carolina): Requires clinic workers to call a patient a monster at least five times before performing abortion

Second Thoughts Relocation Act (North Carolina): Abortions can only be provided by a physician holding an Elmo-themed first-birthday cake and must be performed in the middle of an open, active day-care center

The Guterman Act (North Dakota): Abortions are still granted, but only if the woman agrees not to laugh at anything for two years following the procedure

Scratch Statute (Georgia): State lottery to issue new “Termination Madness” instant scratch-off game giving participants a 1-in-100,000 chance of winning a free abortion

Public Notification Act (Mississippi): Any woman who receives an abortion must place a sign in vehicle that reads “Baby on board? Nope. Why not? I’ll give you one guess. That’s right. I aborted the fetus I was carrying”

The Phillips Waiting Period (Wisconsin): Anyone seeking an abortion must wait three days after initial consultation, during which Dale Phillips (R-Kenosha) stares at her the whole time