Our stimulusyeahrightsure deposit went in this morning. It’s enough to pay the mortgage and buy some groceries. I’m happy about that, but pissed that these assholes in DC truly think this is going to stop people from working or getting a “real job’. I truly am beginning to think that a requirement to run for office should require living in a lower middle class neighborhood and having to support a family on less than 30K a year. And no cell phone except a basic one, no internet access and an old beat up car to get around in. No access to your wealth or connections if you got them. Then talk some shit, so I can smack you in the head.

I kept trying to write something last night that would be positive and hopeful. In my 60 yrs of life I have seen and been through some shit. Homelessness, domestic abuse, dysfunctional family crap for miles and miles, and yet, this is the first year where I can’t find words to be upbeat. I’m exhausted. A few months ago, I finally got all the coloring and highlighting cut out of my hair. I am nearly completely gray now. I guess I earned all those gray hairs, and lines on my face, but damn. Our system shouldn’t be so weak that one or two people can fuck up whatever they want to by holding everything hostage. Senate rules need to be changed, no one person should be holding that much life/death power over their fellow citizens.

I really don’t think things are going to improve that much after Jan 20th. All these piecemeal measures like Executive Orders aren’t going to fix what’s broken. Not without some serious changes in the rules/laws/”gentlemen’s agreements” or whatever. I don’t know, it’s hard to be optimistic. It’s possible that our GA senate races may go toward the side of good, but I’ve had the rug jerked out from under me too many times to be able to truly believe in my heart that will actually happen. The last three years have been hell on my family. Husband can no longer work, living on a disability check, having to sell off things for any extra money, watching my husband’s health decline, realizing I may be a widow in the next 5 yrs, watching my son struggle with so much, dealing with Cleo and her issues, constantly trying to keep up with all the cleaning and cooking and care, having my birth family dump me like so much trash(for the THIRD time in my life), I’m just tired and done. I feel terribly alone sometimes.

So Happy New Year!!! LOL. At least Trump will be gone and his shitty family too. I guess that’s somewhere to begin looking forward. I am not a prayerful person, but I do pray for my fellow Lizards, Michele, Joe, all who have lost loved ones to covid or anything else, those struggling with burdens so heavy they seem immovable. And for all of us, that this year is better in ANY way from the last. What I want more than anything is for my negative fears and worries to be SUPER WRONG.