theonion.com

Wife: Unsatisfied
Net Worth: 3-4 presidential elections
Claim To Fame: First to refer to ISIS as “bozos”
Role: Billionaire who will have smallest impact on presidential race
Campaign Promise: Will turn America into an opulent destination for only the most exclusive citizens
Campaign Slogan: “I’m Going To Do This Every Four Years Until I Die”
Credentials: Proven job creator for desperate people who will do anything to be famous
Potential Liability: American people may not yet be progressive enough to elect mentally ill man
Vision For Presidency: 50 Miss USA finalists lined up along White House portico
Are We Just Enabling Him: Yes