“How To Simulate Being A Sailor” Pt 2

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.” After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 2200, saying, “Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!” Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house (for the benefit of aircraft carrier sailors).

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, “This is a drill! This is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!”

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseated. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket. ALT: Find the biggest horse you can, put a 2-inch mattress on his back, and strap yourself to it. Turn him loose in a barn filled with snakes for six hours and try to sleep. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot; let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

40. Hire someone to hammer on a 55-gal drum at random hours to simulate paint chipping.