Why not cut out the middleman and have Obama write columns for the New York Times and read the evening news?

Good evening. Today, the president announced that the daily calorie ration would be increased from 1500 to well over one whole thousand. Millions of Americans across the nation rejoiced. We spoke to one rejoicer:

I’m on an ultra skinnyfast diet, but even I couldn’t make the kind of headway I’m making today. The pounds just melt away!

And that’s the way it is.

Thank you, Mr. President.

It’s so nice I could have myself on my show.

Come again any time.