September 29, 2013

President Barack Obama
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue N.W.
Washington D.C. 20500

Dear President Obama,

I don’t understand how you haven’t solved this crisis with your presidential magic yet. I wait and wait in the ivory tower for you to perform the sacred rituals and appease the Republicans before they devour the economy like Saturn his children. It’s all so hard to understand, and my birdlike wrists aren’t made to open up books about the VRA or the history of voter suppression as a part of the civil rights struggle . Also my eyesight is so poor, since the evil stepmother that trapped me here provided me with insufficient lyocpene and B12 supplements, so I can only read a tiny amount of information before my eyes get tired. Therefore I receive most of my political news by interpreting the flight of birds.
But truly, Mr President, I don’t understand why all of these people are so insistent about voting. Is it not enough that I sing and play my harp them, and throw scraps of gluten-free bread down to them from my windows. Is it not enough that an enchanted princess in a beautiful ivory tower condescends to listen to their tales of woe, and shed a single crystalline tear? If only they could understand that the letter of the laws made by the people for the people refers to other people with prettier clothing and county club memberships. After all, if they were supposed to be voting, why would so many clever men spend so much money creating a system that made it difficult for them vote? If only you could overcome your inherent anger and set aside your vitriolic habit of never naming names and not saying bad things about Congress, and work with them to achieve their goals because really you own goals don’t matter, you silly billy.
But fear not Mr President, I shall always be hear to be the silvery voice of conscience, reminding you that it’s petty not to submit.