Never mind harkening back to the golden years of 1950’s Mayberry, when Gomer Pile was not yet gay married, Andy Taylor had not yet come out strongly in favor of universal health care, and Ron Howard was still a Good Boy and not a disappointing liberal of a son who wants to take away all our fundamental rights. Wing Nut Drooly founder, editor, and CEO Joseph Farah thinks things were more free back in 1776, when the government was elected by wealthy, white male landowners and human beings could be owned like furniture.

So what are his complaints?

With all the demagoguery about new restrictions on firearms emanating from Washington, do I even need to comment? Note the first shots fired in the War of Independence came in defense of the New England colonists’ armory, which was about to be seized by the British. The British understood that a disarmed citizenry could not resist the tyranny of the most powerful empire in the world at that time. Many Americans have not yet figured out that nothing has changed in 237 years – that the citizenry, disarmed, still cannot resist the tyranny of the new most powerful empire in the world.

The 2nd A. is what is it, and will have to be dealt with according to the law, but I am having a hard time buying this argument that we are in danger of being invaded by the most powerful empire in the world, which is us, and which is staffed by you and me. And I find it curious that protection from an occupying army was only one of the unstated reasons this article was included in the Bill of Rights. The other reason was to make it easier to oppress people (i.e., rebellious slaves) who might get uppity notions of obtaining their own rights. If I ever get the desire to oppress myself then I will seriously consider getting myself a bigger gun, but until that day comes I am afraid that the only serious threat of danger comes from gun nuts in survivalist camps screaming about the need to overthrow the government with violence. So I need the 2nd amendment to protect me from gun rights advocates.

Barack Obama often refers to it as “freedom of worship.” But that’s a whole different animal. Yes, it’s true, you can worship virtually any way you want in America in the assembly of your choice. But just try taking your faith into the public square.

People will heckle you.

Religion in America today, especially in the Judeo-Christian, biblical form that inspired the concept of self-government, the rights of the individual and the rule of law, is on the run.

I am unfamiliar with this Torah-inspired concept of self-government. I do see a book of Kings, however, and lists of absolute rulers sanctioned by Yahweh.

The Ten Commandments are forbidden in any institution controlled by government.

Heaven forfend! How will anyone know that murder is evil? How will evangelical preachers learn that adultery is a sin?

Prayer is forbidden in public schools by the order of the U.S. Supreme Court.

How will people learn to not give false witness against SCOTUS? You can still pray pretty much as much as you want in school, as long as you are not disturbing class. Farah objects to the notion that the children of other parents are no longer required to learn and participate in his own peculiar religious rituals. Mandatory chapel attendance for all residents is also a no-no. That might be in the constitution.

The Bible, which was the foundation of early education in the 18th century, is forbidden from government schools.

And now he’s just making stuff up. Both of those points are made by document-hoarder and quote-miner-manufacturer David Barton, and so can be safely assumed to be false. You can just take my word for it.

The churches, for their part, made a huge mistake in submitting themselves to the government for tax-exempt status, restricting their own participation in politics.

ORLY? It’s true in theory! But this restriction is actually hard to enforce. Have you ever heard of a church that gave up it’s tax-exempt status in order to engage in political action? It’s not really necessary, not even if the preacher is running for political office. Also: money.

Curiously, he does touch upon a real issue at the very end, before collapsing in confusion at the prospect of actually making sense:

How about the Fifth Amendment? That’s the one that offers due process. Today, centuries after our genius founders had the foresight to enshrine such protections in the Bill of Rights, the foreign tyrants in Washington claim the right to assassinate or indefinitely detain American citizens without due process.

Especially if the president is a member of the wrong party and might be a negro. Otherwise we were totes okay with it.

I’ve gone on too long for one column already.

And so have I.

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Oh, and Wonkette treats this with better images and (probably) more snark. Curse you, Wonkette! I am going to have to try harder.