Attention, wingnut correspondents:

Your parents would have drowned you, but the ditch in front of their shack wasn’t deep enough. Even bill collectors find you obnoxious. You would be socially inept even at Texas Tech. Thunderbird is too good for your parties. Your car smells of wet flatulence. Your church teaches that soap and water are inventions of Satan. You are married to your sister, your first and second cousin, and your former aunt by marriage all at the same time, because they are the same person. Your shoes are cleaner after a walk through a manure pile. A blast of air freshener would cause your face to evaporate.