The urge to shop has been beaten out of me by people nattering at me from all sides, riddling me with guilt for buying stuff that does nothing but contribute to the heat-death of the planet.

For Festivus this year I am planning to give everyone I know handwritten carbon-offset certificates (on organic hempen paper) against their intestinal gas production for 2010. They don’t actually offset anything, but everyone will feel good whenever they cut a fart.