Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today’s Soup Is Minestrone (The Onion)

SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming she had been keeping a cautious eye on him from the moment she sat down, local woman Rebecca Marinelli confirmed Thursday that she anxiously reached for her cell phone after a suspicious-looking black man told her the soup of the day was minestrone. “I just didn’t like the look of him, lurking around in that apron, and then he came right up to me, pulling out a pad of paper and asking if I would like anything to drink,” said Marinelli, who reportedly exchanged nervous glances with her friend across the table and quietly dialed 911 after seeing the strange man go up to people at another table and ask them for money. “I have no idea why he’s here. He isn’t buying anything. God, my heart was in my throat when he came over here and asked if he could refill my water. I even tried to take a video on my phone for the police, but it was too hard to see his face behind the trays of food he was carrying.” At press time, sources reported that police arriving on the scene had pulled their firearms and slammed the suspect onto a table after he produced a threatening packet of oyster crackers.