Bulletin from the CDC and NIH:

ER docs puzzled by sudden outbreak of rump pain

(Washington, Dec. 1, 2009)

Emergency-room staff from around the country, already overwhelmed with uninsured Americans and people showing flu symptoms, have today raised the alarm over a sudden influx of patients complaining about mysterious symptoms in their hindquarters.

“We really don’t know what to make of it”, said Dr Maxine Gluteous of Johns Hopkins Hospital. “It started sometime last night, and the numbers are growing. It’s actually rather funny, but we’re under orders not to make jokes.”

Sufferers, mostly male, white, and (rumor has it) with strikingly low academic achievements, complain - some doctors are using the term “whine” - about what they describe as persistent pain in their buttocks. Upon examination, doctors find the area to be red, hot, and tender.

“‘Throbbing’ is one of the words people are using most often to describe their distress”, said Dr. Gluteous. “These people are definitely suffering. Though we do wish they’d stop whinging so much. There seems to be no real danger and it’s apparently not contagious, at least not through contact with the patient. All we can do is give them some soothing cream to rub on the affected parts and send them home.”

While most medical professionals see it as a harmless, if puzzling, phenomenon, others are not so sanguine. “Some folks seem to be affected mentally, as well”, a nurse, who spoke on condition of anonymity, told this reporter. “A significant number of them mention some kind of ‘lizards’ being behind the pain in their behind. One guy was clearly a little unbalanced, mumbling something over and over about ‘the lizard king’. We were glad to get rid of him.”

Others, rumor has it, come to the ER and then complain about socialized medicine and “death panels” when they are not seen immediately. One man was arrested after pulling down his pants in the waiting room, pointing to his swollen, beet-red fundament, and shouting “This is what Obama’s socialist coup has done to me!”

Dr Gluteous assures the public there is no reason to fear, but urges caution. “It’s almost as if a certain segment of the population somehow got a vicious, simultaneous spanking from some unknown agent”, she said.

A late check by this reporter seems to indicate that the number of cases is leveling off, but we will continue to monitor this situation closely.