For those who don’t have the stomach to look at upchuck’s twitter feed, his latest campaigns (the tweets are just too stupid to waste time embedding.)

1. We need to primary John McCain, ‘cause upchuck has oppo research, you guys. (Will McCain even run again? He’ll be about 120 years old; and everyone on the planet has oppo research against McCain.)

2. He’s begging for money to launch a poster campaign against Lena Dunham. (AWARD-WINNING JOURNALISM)

3. He’s waiting for the appropriate time to OUT President Obama. (Can’t do it now because he’s worried about his family’s safety.)

4. There’s another airline conspiracy against him—a flight delay was engineered to keep him from publishing information about Loretta Lynch.

5. He’s doing something nefarious about Hillary.

6. There are gay and lesbian TSA agents in Fresno.
(and it’s still morning on the West coast. Yikes.)