Our worst fears have come true: U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon.

NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday.

The U.N. Headquarters in New York has flags from all over the world and enough uranium to wipe Israel off the map.

News of the nuclear weapon first surfaced late last week when the United Nation’s own watchdog group, the International Atomic Energy Agency, released startling new satellite photos of the uranium-based device. Shortly thereafter, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a short and brazen list of demands, calling on all nations to “bow down at once to social progress.”

“Tremble before the awesome might of this cooperative assembly of appointed representatives,” said Ban, boldly holding a stack of diplomatic resolutions in his hand. “At last, when the United Nations calls for the development of more sustainable agricultural practices, the world at large will listen.”

Added Ban, “We will no longer be ignored.”

The warhead, an Oralloy U-235 thermonuclear detonator encased in a long-range ballistic missile, is believed to be currently housed beneath the parking lot of the U.N. complex in New York. According to Pentagon officials, it is likely that the United Nations has already tested the weapon, and may in fact be prepared to deploy it if its demands for global harmony are not met.