Iowahawk: Requiem For a Lightweight

HumorMarch 2009 • Views: 1,819

Iowahawk tells the sad story of the punch-drunk palooka of Pennsylvania Avenue: Requiem For a Lightweight.

(With apologies to Rod Serling)

ACT 1
SCENE 1

A stark dressing room in the underbelly of the White House, bathed in the dim yellow light of a 25-watt compact fluorescent bulb. The dingy walls are plastered with Shepard Fairey “HOPE” posters. Off stage is heard the cringing, muffled gasps of a stunned arena audience. Suddenly the door bursts open and enters BARACK “BAM BAM” OBAMA, former champion, unconscious on a stretcher carried by his handlers — cut man TWINKLETOES EMANUEL, manager PAPPY AXELROD, SPITBUCKET BEGALA and SPINDOC GREENBURG. His nose is bleeding profusely, his eyes nearly swollen shut, and his forehead is embossed with a reverse “BRUNSWICK” from an errant bowling ball. They are trailed into the room by a pack of concerned sportswriters as they place the stretcher on a stark table.

TWINKLETOES EMANUEL: Alright, alright! Give ‘em some air, you mugs!

PAPPY AXELROD: Can you hear me, Champ?

BAM BAM: We would save enough money… uhh… we would… money save… the ones we are looking for…

PAPPY AXELROD (gently slapping Bam Bam’s face): Champ, Champ! Look at me! How many teleprompters am I holding up?

BAM BAM (giggling): Special Olympics… Heckuva job Timmy…

TWINKLETOES EMANUEL: Somebody get me the stimulus salts!

Twinkletoes opens a wallet under Bam Bam’s nose and he groggily regains consciousness

BAM BAM: Whuh… huh… whuhappened?

Read it all…

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57 comments

lifeofthemind Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:12:08pm

It gets hard when reality is stranger than fiction. We need comedy, now more than ever.

Sharmuta Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:12:30pm

TRIXIE DOWD: See what I mean? If we keep printing this stuff our circulation is gonna drop below Newsweek!

LOL

DisturbedEma Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:16:33pm

Niiiiiice…:)

Occasional Reader Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:18:50pm

I see an IRS audit in David Burges’ future…

Cygnus Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:19:17pm

Maybe Iowahawk should write for a new Twilight Zone program. Brilliant!

pre-Boomer Marine brat Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:19:45pm

OMG!
I’ll have to come back and read it later!
*salivating*

bbiab

pat Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:19:57pm

Expect to hear from the Secret Service.

brookly red Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:22:18pm

LOL!
The name Bam-Bam my just stick…

lifeofthemind Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:22:31pm

re: #7 pat

Expect to hear from the Secret Service.

I sincerely feel for the USSS people. I have known many and they are excellent, they will do their jobs but it is so much easier to show up at work when you respect the person you are going to catch a bullet for.

DEZes Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:22:39pm

Instant classic.

Russkilitlover Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:22:41pm

TRIXIE DOWD: C’mon Pappy, the only people drunk enough to swallow that line of malarky are the winos down in the Nutroots skid row.
BIFF OLBERMANN: Don’t listen to her, champ! I still believe in you!

TRIXIE DOWD: See what I mean?

ROTFLMAO!

Buster Bunny Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:23:00pm

What have we learnt in the last 2 months?

‘Bam-Bam’ Obama can’t fight. No .. he surrenders first !

After insulting them.

lifeofthemind Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:23:42pm

If SNL had a shred of class, or smarts, they would pay Iowahawk and put the skit on TV.

Killian Bundy Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:23:44pm

Matthews: Obama’s NCAA Picks ‘Close to Brilliant’

Would you call getting a 53 on a test “close to brilliant?”

If you’re Chris Matthews, and you’re reporting about Barack Obama you would, for on Monday’s “Hardball,” the MSNBC host bragged about his president being “close to brilliant,” “amazing,” “incredibly on target,” and “unbelievable” with his NCAA college basketball tournament picks.

Yet, when you dig into the numbers, out of all the entrants into ESPN.com’s Tournament Challenge 2009, Obama currently ranks 2,167,290, which makes his relative score compared to others 53.20 percent.

/must be all the leg tingling

BlueCanuck Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:23:58pm

Iowahawk is a true comedic genius.

SummerSong Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:24:48pm

I hope the GOP won’t let Obama’s disasters go to waste.

Hengineer Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:25:06pm

BAM! BAM BAM BAM!

Now now bam bam play nice with pebbles.

Hengineer Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:26:10pm

re: #14 Killian Bundy

Matthews: Obama’s NCAA Picks ‘Close to Brilliant’

/must be all the leg tingling

Who gives a rats ass about NCAA picks? I don’t even participate and yet in the pool on board my ship, one of the guys who doesn’t even FOLLOW NCAA basketball randomly picks and almost won last year’s pool.

CapeCoddah Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:26:36pm

Great stuff as usual, Iowahawk!

eon Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:29:10pm

You have to admit, there’s certain sense of style about taking careful aim, and landing one right on your own button.

/In the Jerry Lewis sense, I mean.

But once more, we see that The One’s definition of a “brilliant idea” is one that all of his fawning sycophants agree is brilliant. Medieval monarchs had the same problem.

Their solution was the court jester. But I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t fly with this lot.

I’d say what he really needs is a Thomas A’ Becket, but I’m not sure that one would survive in his version of Henry II’s court even as long as the original did.

/They don’t bother with daggers in the back today- when dealing with “turbulent priests”, the MSM is faster, neater, a lot cheaper, and far more effective.

cheers

eon

CapeCoddah Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:29:16pm

re: #14 Killian Bundy

Matthews: Obama’s NCAA Picks ‘Close to Brilliant’

/must be all the leg tingling

Obama’s true calling: Vegas bookie.
Olbermanns true calling: Mental inpatient

gymmom Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:29:25pm

Iowahawk is a national treasure!

UncleRancher Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:29:47pm

re: #15 BlueCanuck

Iowahawk is a true comedic genius.

Not comical at all. I’ll bet he was right there in the room takin’ notes! ;-)

jdog29 Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:30:01pm

Oh the cold cruel irony of it all !

oh_dude Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:30:06pm

Just in case anybody’s wondering…

The on-hold music for the IRS telephone hotline is currently Swan Lake.

This is surreal.

HelloDare Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:30:13pm

I guess laughing is preferable to crying.

Daffy Duck Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:31:42pm

re: #25 oh_dude

Just in case anybody’s wondering…

The on-hold music for the IRS telephone hotline is currently Swan Lake.

This is surreal.

Don’t call them, they’ll call you….

jdog29 Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:34:38pm

I thought there was nothing funny about Obama, per Maher, Letterman, Leno, Conan, etc.

This presidency will be the funniest since Carter. I just can’t wait for the sitcom.

dddave Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:34:45pm

TRIXIE DOWD: C’mon Pappy, the only people drunk enough to swallow that line of malarky are the winos down in the Nutroots skid row.

BIFF OLBERMANN: Don’t listen to her, champ! I still believe in you!

TRIXIE DOWD: See what I mean?

I nominate this exchange for a MAJOR AWARD. How about the First Annual Obamacles?

HoosierHoops Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:34:53pm

re: #21 CapeCoddah

Obama’s true calling: Vegas bookie.
Olbermanns true calling: Mental inpatient

Hey you..hope today finds you well..Obama picked 11 wins in the first 16 games..sorry about that Chrissie..That put you down under 50% on the ESPN blog.( which he entered) At this point he is doing terrible in the Brackets.
You can spin a lot of shit in politics..You can’t spin sports..You win or you lose..
You can’t hide behind pretty words…

Racer X Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:35:38pm

Classic Iowahawk!

CapeCoddah Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:37:59pm

re: #30 HoosierHoops

Hey you..hope today finds you well..Obama picked 11 wins in the first 16 games..sorry about that Chrissie..That put you down under 50% on the ESPN blog.( which he entered) At this point he is doing terrible in the Brackets.
You can spin a lot of shit in politics..You can’t spin sports..You win or you lose..
You can’t hide behind pretty words…

Hey Hoops! I am well, and hope you are the same!
50%, huh, sounds about right for this half assed idiot.

Eowyn2 Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:42:24pm

re: #13 lifeofthemind

If SNL had a shred of class, or smarts, they would pay Iowahawk and put the skit on TV.

They really need some decent writers.

redc1c4 Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:42:31pm

so, did Bam Bam wind up getting tossed out on his ear?

Eowyn2 Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:44:17pm

re: #30 HoosierHoops

Hey you..hope today finds you well..Obama picked 11 wins in the first 16 games..sorry about that Chrissie..That put you down under 50% on the ESPN blog.( which he entered) At this point he is doing terrible in the Brackets.
You can spin a lot of shit in politics..You can’t spin sports..You win or you lose..
You can’t hide behind pretty words…

I’m at 72% and I’m a GIRL who isnt IN TO Bball.

lifeofthemind Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:49:54pm

re: #33 Eowyn2

They really need some decent writers.

I am so old I remember when SNL was funny, I remember when I watched it.

Fat Jolly Penguin Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:52:15pm

Geez, I’m glad we have Iowahawk. I’d probably have gone crazy by now without him.

HoosierHoops Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:52:42pm

re: #32 CapeCoddah

Hey Hoops! I am well, and hope you are the same!
50%, huh, sounds about right for this half assed idiot.

Today finds me well…It may not be fair to post this..But at ESPN after the first weekend Obama did really poorly..And listen..I’ve done poorly in my life in the brackets..
But this has been called one of the most predictable bracket in years and years..Everybody is doing pretty good and most of us are in good shape..
Rest assured.. Obama will not be bragging about his picks this year…Go to ESPN to check…
I’ve done a lot of reading about Obama’s Hoops days..Stories from his coach in the sporting news..Up close and personal in SI.
And stuff on the Internet ( we know that is true )
Generally..This is my report..Obama was a pretty good wingman..He has length..good cross-over..poor defense..lacks will in the post..a pretty good shot but he just loves to jack it up everytime he touches the ball..For his shooting % ..some sources said he was a little bit of an ego player and full of himself..He loves balling but lacks the passion to win/lose a game. He is 16 miles from MJ or Bird.
That’s the Hoopster’s readers digests scouting report on Obama..

HoosierHoops Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:57:18pm

re: #35 Eowyn2

I’m at 72% and I’m a GIRL who isnt IN TO Bball.

You’re a girl that doesn’t follow Ball?
I’m willing to bet my billion dollar bail-out check that you will beat me in the brackets..
/OK only half of it…:)
/I have never once in my life picked the winner…Heck I can pretty much figure out who is going to the Superbowl after 4 games..I picked Memphis last year…
I’ve picked Stanford twice

RaiderDan Tue, Mar 24, 2009 3:58:49pm

Iowahawk. Brilliant, yet again.

These were the good ol’ days, when you could smoke and drink in a newsroom, spit on the floor and call the copy girl “tootz”

#29

Did somebody saw Major Award?

http://www.redriderleglamps.com/

CapeCoddah Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:00:20pm

re: #38 HoosierHoops

Today finds me well…It may not be fair to post this..But at ESPN after the first weekend Obama did really poorly..And listen..I’ve done poorly in my life in the brackets..
But this has been called one of the most predictable bracket in years and years..Everybody is doing pretty good and most of us are in good shape..
Rest assured.. Obama will not be bragging about his picks this year…Go to ESPN to check…
I’ve done a lot of reading about Obama’s Hoops days..Stories from his coach in the sporting news..Up close and personal in SI.
And stuff on the Internet ( we know that is true )
Generally..This is my report..Obama was a pretty good wingman..He has length..good cross-over..poor defense..lacks will in the post..a pretty good shot but he just loves to jack it up everytime he touches the ball..For his shooting % ..some sources said he was a little bit of an ego player and full of himself..He loves balling but lacks the passion to win/lose a game. He is 16 miles from MJ or Bird.
That’s the Hoopster’s readers digests scouting report on Obama..

Ego player? I will never believe it!/

vxbush Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:03:32pm

I just did the whole thing for my husband, me playing all the parts (accents included). What a riot!

Ming Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:11:34pm

President Obama is trying to help the economy. I may not agree with everything he’s doing, but this is quite an unusual and unique economic situation we’re in, and I appreciate that he cares and he’s really trying. In a time when consumer and business spending is frozen, it may not be a bad idea for the government to step up its spending. The economy has been falling like a rock since September 15. We must stop the free fall soon, then focus on how such a crisis can be prevented from happening again. This is not a time for partisan zingers. Obama is a good person, and he deserves our good wishes, even when we disagree with his approach.

Photon Cowboy Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:28:35pm

You got to love Iowahawk. as one of my heroes is so fond of saying ” I don’t care who you are, Thats funny !

vagabond trader Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:31:49pm

re: #43 Ming

No disrespect, are you punch drunk?

Dr. Shalit Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:37:41pm

Charles AND all Lizardim -

PRAY - that Pres. Obama is at WORST a lightweight. JFK was a “lightweight” when he took office. As President, if NOT as a person, in many ways, he Grew Into the Oval Office. Lightweights can “Gain and Train” - EMPTYS CANNOT.

-S-

yesandno Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:38:54pm

re: #14 Killian Bundy

Matthews: Obama’s NCAA Picks ‘Close to Brilliant’
Matthews: Obama’s NCAA Picks ‘Close to Brilliant’

Would you call getting a 53 on a test “close to brilliant?”

If you’re Chris Matthews, and you’re reporting about Barack Obama you would, for on Monday’s “Hardball,” the MSNBC host bragged about his president being “close to brilliant,” “amazing,” “incredibly on target,” and “unbelievable” with his NCAA college basketball tournament picks.

Yet, when you dig into the numbers, out of all the entrants into ESPN.com’s Tournament Challenge 2009, Obama currently ranks 2,167,290, which makes his relative score compared to others 53.20 percent.

/must be all the leg tingling

At least his picks are consistant with the rest of his approach to things….

half-assed

kansas Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:39:27pm

Would you call getting a 53 on a test “close to brilliant?”

As close as Obama is gonna get, so yeah I would.

Dr. Shalit Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:41:53pm

re: #48 kansas

Would you call getting a 53 on a test “close to brilliant?”

As close as Obama is gonna get, so yeah I would.

KS -

The answer is NO - the USA Deserves Better - It May take some time to get there.

-S-

Photon Cowboy Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:45:41pm

re: #48 kansas

It depends which public school you attended. I’m told that 53% in the Atlanta system is pretty good. Don’t want to hurt a child’s self esteem do you ?

// Time for a beer now !

Clemente Tue, Mar 24, 2009 4:50:46pm

TOMMY FREIDMAN: Yeah, dose are da worst pair of cauliflower ears I ever seen!

Iowahawkey goodness!

MJBrutus Tue, Mar 24, 2009 6:48:16pm

re: #43 Ming

President Obama is trying to help the economy. I may not agree with everything he’s doing, but this is quite an unusual and unique economic situation we’re in, and I appreciate that he cares and he’s really trying. In a time when consumer and business spending is frozen, it may not be a bad idea for the government to step up its spending. The economy has been falling like a rock since September 15. We must stop the free fall soon, then focus on how such a crisis can be prevented from happening again. This is not a time for partisan zingers. Obama is a good person, and he deserves our good wishes, even when we disagree with his approach.

Pure Grade “A” BS. Obama is NOT trying to improve this economy. Not even he is stupid enough to believe that that he is. The dude is throwing a lead anchor around the economy’s neck and calling it a life saver.

All this man cares about is jamming through is liberal agenda. The lousy economy is a great excuse for doing so, because the masses of asses (apparently you included) are too stupid to tell the difference between doing something productive and just doing something.

Does it make sense to operate with deficits during an economic slow down? Sure. But it’s a matter of degree and it’s a matter of what is being financed with that deficit spending. Payoffs to union cronies, banking cronies, community organizing cronies and every special interest that pays to play is not going to make the recession go away. Printing dollars by the trillion is going to remove any hope of a recovery for years to come. No, I’m sorry, but there isn’t enough cool aid in the world to make me see this “nice, smart” man as anything but a bald-faced liar and opportunist who is doing his best to crush any hope (except of course in his rhetoric) for our future.

jsulman Tue, Mar 24, 2009 8:05:52pm

Absolutely hilarious.

Edouard Tue, Mar 24, 2009 10:48:33pm

re: #43 Ming

President Obama is trying to help the economy. I may not agree with everything he’s doing, but this is quite an unusual and unique economic situation we’re in, and I appreciate that he cares and he’s really trying. In a time when consumer and business spending is frozen, it may not be a bad idea for the government to step up its spending. The economy has been falling like a rock since September 15. We must stop the free fall soon, then focus on how such a crisis can be prevented from happening again. This is not a time for partisan zingers. Obama is a good person, and he deserves our good wishes, even when we disagree with his approach.

You’re pulling our leg, aren’t you?

Ledger1 Wed, Mar 25, 2009 12:39:46am

I love it! Iowahawk rocks:

PAPPY AXELROD (gently slapping Bam Bam’s face): Champ, Champ! Look at me! How many teleprompters am I holding up?…

BAM BAM: Whuh… huh… whuhappened?

RED KRUGMAN: Yeah, dat’s what we wanna know! What happened to the kid’s uppercut? C’mon, Pappy, we got a deadline for the morning edition!

BAM BAM: How… duuh… did I do?

SPITBUCKET BEGALA: T.K.O., 13 seconds in the first round. Lucky shot. You’ll get ‘em next time champ!

Ceemack Wed, Mar 25, 2009 9:34:13am

President Obama is trying to help the economy. I may not agree with everything he’s doing, but this is quite an unusual and unique economic situation we’re in, and I appreciate that he cares and he’s really trying. In a time when consumer and business spending is frozen, it may not be a bad idea for the government to step up its spending. The economy has been falling like a rock since September 15. We must stop the free fall soon, then focus on how such a crisis can be prevented from happening again. This is not a time for partisan zingers. Obama is a good person, and he deserves our good wishes, even when we disagree with his approach.

If you’re kidding, be sure to add /sarc tags in the future.

If you’re not kidding (shudder), may I recommend:

Daily Kos

Spiny Norman Wed, Mar 25, 2009 1:52:53pm

the punch-drunk palooka of Pennsylvania Avenue

That is so good, it nearly overshadows Iowahawk himself.

Spy Mode Auto

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