Forget everything you thought you knew about the Boston bombings. The real story behind the attack involves not a pair of radicalized brothers, but a world-spanning conspiracy of Michelle Obama, a network of Russian oligarchs, and an army of stagehands armed with fake blood. Oh, and deceased suspect Tamerlan Tsarnaev? He was taken alive. Naked.
Of course all this is true, it’s on the internet. And the internet’s conspiracy theorists have been hard at work the past week revealing the hidden secrets behind the Boston Marathon bombings. The reason for all the complexity and machinations between the rich and powerful: it’s a necessary measure before imposing martial law in the United States. Boston was merely the catalyst.
Before you dismiss all this, ask yourself: can you prove the Boston bombings aren’t part of a plan to impose martial law? Didn’t think so. Asking our audience to disprove non-falsifiable claims is also an essential part of Tinfoil Tuesday, Danger Room’s sporadic venture into the delectable lunacy of online conspiracy theories. That sleight of hand involving the burden of proof are central to the conspiracy theories about Boston.
The Boston Marathon bombings have become a conspiratorial cornucopia. One video circulating the web purports to show a stripped Tamerlan being taken into custody, after he died. Other theories focused on Abdulrahman Ali Alharbi, a student and Saudi national who was injured in the bombing — and incorrectly reported by the New York Post to be a “potential” suspect. “Why was the investigation of a mysterious Saudi national with familial links to al-Qaeda suddenly dropped shortly after the Saudi ambassador held an unscheduled meeting with Barack Obama?” blogger Michael Snyder asked yesterday. “Why did Michelle Obama subsequently visit that mysterious Saudi national in the hospital?”
A website is claiming to have hacked into first lady Michelle Obama’s accounts and posted her personal and financial information online.
The website claims to have posted the first lady’s Social Security number, credit reports, former addresses and personal banking information, although the veracity of the information has not been confirmed, and some are speculating that the claims are a hoax.
It lists three phone numbers for Michelle Obama. The first belongs to the University of Chicago Medical Center, where Obama used to work. The second was disconnected and the third had a generic answering machine.
Brian Leary, a spokesman for the Secret Service, said it is investigating the matter but would not comment further.
The website has also recently claimed to have posted sensitive information for Vice President Biden, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Attorney General Eric Holder and a handful of celebrities, such as Jay-Z and Kim Kardashian.
The phone number listed for Biden on the site now belongs to Delaware Seed and Garden Supply, a small business in Wilmington. The owner, Tam Downs, said they obtained the phone number about two years ago. She said when they first got the phone line, they received occasional calls from news organizations and others looking to contact Biden.
She said those calls had died down until Monday when the website posted the alleged personal information, and they are now inundated by pranksters and people looking to speak to the vice president.
Sara Faden, a spokeswoman for the Los Angeles Police Department, confirmed that the information posted on the site about Police Chief Charles Beck was accurate.
You know, I am normally happy when Illinois Republicans who lose an election work to stay visible. But not this time:
Former Tea Party congressman Joe Walsh criticized Michelle Obama in a tweet Friday morning that asked if the first lady was attending the funeral of slain Chicago teen Hadiya Pendleton to make a political point.
“‘Heartbroken’ Michelle Obama attending funeral of Hadiya Pendleton. I guess the other 553 murder victims didn’t break her heart,” Walsh tweeted Friday. “Most of the 553 Chicago murder victims in 2012 & 2013 were young black males. Is she attending this funeral to make a political point?”
But wait, it gets worse:
Walsh, a Republican from Chicago’s suburbs, has been a harsh critic of President Barack Obama. Though he lost re-election to Tammy Duckworth in November, he has still tried to stay in the political spotlight.
He didn’t back down from the tweets later Friday, telling DNAinfo.com Chicago, “If I were one of the 3-, 4-, 500 African-American families in the last year that lost somebody to gun violence, I’d be so offended that Michelle Obama is ‘heartbroken’ over Miss Pendleton’s death. She’s never used that word before. Neither her or the president or Rahm Emanuel have ever really acknowledged the other murders over the last year. I just found that offensive.”
Mayor Emanuel has actually spoken regularly and extensively about the city’s murder woes over the last year, but that didn’t keep Walsh from trying to drag him into the fray.
“It’s not too much of a stretch [to think] this is purely a political maneuver on their part,” Walsh added. “There’s an agenda now and this is no secret and the great thing about Rahm Emanuel is he’s very overt in what he’s doing. It makes it easy for all of us. When he said a couple years ago, ‘Don’t ever waste a crisis,’ he’s made a career out of doing this.”
Emanuel actually said, “You never want a serious crisis to go to waste,” and quickly clarified that statement.
I am extremely glad this asshole is no longer in the Congress. As far as I’m concerned Joe Walsh can go fuck himself with a railroad spike.
The interwebs are outraged! Outraged I tell ya! I’m not sure how I missed this juicy, scandalous, page 1 piece of raw political red meat, but apparently the First Lady (sporting her banging new bangs) was caught on video rolling her eyes after listening to a comment from the Ohio Republican congressman.
Monday’s post-inaugural luncheon was a case study in body language—and nearly all of the physical evidence centered on House Speaker John Boehner. One interaction in particular already became an Internet meme: Michelle Obama rolling her eyes after listening to a comment from the Ohio Republican congressman.
…First lady Michelle Obama, who is spending the holidays with her family in Hawaii, also joined in answering calls as she has in recent years. She spent about 30 minutes talking with children from across the country.
Volunteer Sara Berghoff was caught off-guard when a child called to see if Santa could be especially kind this year to the families affected by the recent Connecticut school shooting.
“I’m from Newtown, Connecticut, where the shooting was,” she remembered the child asking. “Is it possible that Santa can bring extra presents so I can deliver them to the families that lost kids?”
Sara, just 13 herself, gathered her thoughts quickly. “If I can get ahold of him, I’ll try to get the message to him,” she told the child.
Other questions required the volunteers to think fast:
“How do reindeer fly?”
“How many elves does Santa have?”
“Does Santa leave presents for dogs?”
“How old is Santa?” The answer to that one is in the FAQs that NORAD hands out to volunteers: “It’s hard to know for sure, but NORAD intelligence indicates Santa is at least 16 centuries old.”
One little boy phoned in to ask what time Santa delivered toys to heaven, said volunteer Jennifer Eckels, who took the call. The boy’s mother got on the line to explain that his sister had died this year.
“I think Santa headed there first,” Eckels told him…
First Lady Michelle Obama and her daughters receive the white house Christmas tree. This of course is a cue for a few racist sunsabitches and new world order freakazoids to leave disparaging comments at youtube, because that’s what haters do for Christmas.
Meanwhile, here’s hoping that all of the decent people in the world do have a Merry Christmas.
ure, it’s fun to hate her. She’s a dance mom to a high-priced horse. She crowed about her “real marriage” to Mitt during her RNC speech, which would count as a homophobic dog whistle if it weren’t loud enough for everyone to hear. She wears thousand-dollar t-shirts and still manages to dress like a modern-day June Cleaver. And this Fall she’s taken to saying bafflingly tone-deaf things to reporters, like that she has “concern” for her husband’s “mental well-being” should he actually have to serve as president.
But all snark aside, why should we care about Ann Romney? The answers may seem obvious: If her husband is elected, she’ll surely have the ear of the President of the United States in ways most cabinet members only dream of. She provides a window into a strange and often inscrutable candidate. And of course, the campaign has designated her a surrogate, so who are we to argue?
But none of these answers stand up to scrutiny. Governors and Senators often have wives who surely influence them in myriad ways. As for giving us insight into the candidate, what exactly do we learn from Ann Romney about Mitt, except that he seems capable of human emotion toward her, and that neither one of them is in possession of a particularly fine-tuned political ear?
It’s true that the campaign has been pushing her as a surrogate, even writing confidential memos about how best to deploy her. The same is true of Michelle Obama, who’s been a popular and effective spokesperson for her husband since the 2008 campaign. I’m far from immune to her charms. Whether she’s doing the dougie with schoolchildren, digging in the White Hourse garden, or giving hilarious side-eye to her daughters during the president’s speech at the DNC, I’m almost always happier for a bit of our First Lady. And I’m sure that’s the idea. If you like someone’s spouse or partner, don’t you like them a little better, too? First Ladies have become the hammer in presidential campaigns’ likability toolbox.