A government report released this week shows that enormous walls, rabid coon-hunting dogs, venomous snakes, and other obstacles erected by the Arkansas Immigration Department are doing little to prevent hundreds of unaccompanied Missourian children from illegally crossing the border into Arkansas.
The immigration department’s controversial response to the crisis has been met with criticism from residents of both states. In a recent poll, 100 percent of Missouri residents and nearly 60 percent of Arkansas residents said they opposed the use of tetanus and dangerous animals to deter the children.
“These kids are fleeing what are essentially third world conditions,” Arkansas native Barbara Tompson said. “There’s the rampant government corruption, moonshine cartels, a confusing state motto, and an educational system that’s severely lacking. It’s no wonder the children can’t speak English.”
Sympathy held by those like Tompson falls on deaf ears when it comes to the Arkansas Immigration Department’s director, Patrick Scaggs.
“I’m sick of all the bleeding-heart liberals meddling with the security of this state,” Scaggs said. “We can’t use rusty barbed wire, mutant poison ivy, or genetically engineered wasps? Fine. Get ready for a mile-long line of 10-year-old Missouri punks lining up for your job.”
It has not been determined just how many Arkansas jobs can be performed by 10-year-olds, but the Arkansas Department of Child Labor is compiling data and preparing a report on the subject. Initial findings show a higher than expected average.
Hey look who the the Supreme Court has ruled has religious exemptions now. Thanks for paving the way, Hobby Lobby! Now the followers of Cthulhu will be able to sacrifice their virgins in peace!
July 1, 2014 - Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company’s right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.
The Penney estate, devout cultists and owners of the multibillion-dollar chain of mid-range department stores, joined by CEO Mike Ullman, sued the government in 2012 when new federal employee protections made it illegal for them to hire virgin maidens for the sole purpose of spilling their blood on the Altar of the Cosmos, with the hope that such an offering will prolong the Great Old One’s slumber in the sunken city of R’lyeh.
These “satire” news sites like the National Journal and the Daily Currant are a poison to rational and truthful discourse on the internet. About once a week it seems like, I see some stupid story (usually in my Facebook feed) that - in the words of Charles Johnson in a LGF comment - “prey[s] on people’s ignorance and confirmation bias.”
The New Republic tackles these pernicious sites head on.
While it takes a particularly keen immunity to irony to fall for an Onion article these days, The Daily Currant is a fake-news site of a different stripe: one entirely devoid of jokes. Whether this humorlessness is intentional or not—the site’s founder contends his critics don’t have a sense of subtlety—the site’s business model as an ad-driven clickbait-generator relies on it. When Currant stories go viral, it’s not because their satire contains essential truths, but rather because their satire is taken as truth—and usually that “truth” is engineered to outrage a particular frequency of the political spectrum. As Slate’s Josh Voorhees wrote after Drudge fell for the Bloomberg story, “It’s a classic Currant con, one that relies on its mark wanting to believe a particular story is true.”
And these sites make a lot of money. I don’t suggest checking any of these Onion-wannabe sites, as your browser will be flooded with advertisements and cookies. They’re making money on people’s fears and confirmation biases. It’s sickening. It’s also protected speech and a money maker for unscrupulous folks.
Unable to get equal time on the new Cosmos creationist apparently decided to create their own.
Behold the truth of creation. Suck it, Carl Sagan and Neil DeGress Tyson!
My news aggregator pulled up this really silly bit of comedy.
Sad thing is, you can see GOHMERT! saying these things.
Heina Dadabhoy has something special for that special far right nut job in your life,
This is just about the best way you could let your republican, woman hating, gay bashing, anti government conspiracy theorist boy friend/girl friend, know how much you care about them. Note: that these will not be sold to you unless you can answer a serious of questions. First and foremost, are you the same gender as the person you’re in love with? If so, you are a sinner and you are unworthy of the love that you will get from these cards.
Also we don’t take visa or mastercard, because American Express express is the only true patriotic American credit card. Never mind the fact that most of the stuff you’ll buy with it were made over seas in Chinese sweatshops, including these Valentines. Don’t call us hypocrites, Its not that we’re not patriotic, its just that we don’t want to pay anyone more than a dollar an hour, okay.
Just give them one of these cards along with some Chocolate and flowers, and you’ll be making sweet sweet love in no time, before its time to take down the evil Obama regime, that’s planning to take your guns.
Glenn Greenwald’s newest target. How could we at LGF have missed this? Santa and his elves are NSA stooges, working for the evil American empire!! When will our children be safe from the fat man and his vile elves?. The Citizen reports on this shocking development.
A Fiery Father Christmas Tried to Assure the World that “On Balance” His Program “Has Always Been in the Best Interest of Good Children Everywhere.”
Glenn Greenwald Challenges “Father Christmas” After Elf, Snowman Blow Whistle
(North Pole) - Santa Claus, the beloved figure said to bring Christmas presents to good christian children all over the world, today admitted that he also brings something else. “Ho, ho, ho,” Santa told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer late Tuesday afternoon, “I also bring heightened security. It’s my responsibility in a post-9/11 world. I need to do what I can. Ho. Ho. Ho.”
Asked for clarification, the Jolly Mr. Claus admitted that he had allowed his significant fact-gathering apparatus to be put to work for the U.S. National Security Agency and had, in fact, provided that organization with his an un-redacted copy of his previously sacrosanct list of all the children in the world sorted by their status as being either “naughty” or “nice” during the previous calendar year. “At least he’s finally admitting it,” sniped an angry Guardian journalist Glenn Greenwald — also a guest on Blitzer’s telecast. “I mean, this jocular admission comes after months of slandering both Mr. Elf and Mr. The Snowman.”
I know its late in the day, and most of you have probably already had Thanksgiving with your family, but I couldn’t help but post this here. Man I love the Onion. Check out this hilarious Thanksgiving slide show of theirs!
Check out all their Thanksgiving “news stories” and laugh out loud!