I know its late in the day, and most of you have probably already had Thanksgiving with your family, but I couldn’t help but post this here. Man I love the Onion. Check out this hilarious Thanksgiving slide show of theirs!
Check out all their Thanksgiving “news stories” and laugh out loud!
National Report is a Satire site, but his reads too close to real…
Life was much simpler and folks were much happier and well adjusted just 50 years ago than people are today. Back then people knew their place, everyone had a role and responsibilities they were accountable for, and living in a society that was free of political correctness was far less confrontational than today.
Today we can clearly see the decay a rot in our government, in the work place, in schools and national production of goods. Today we stand on the brink of war with Syria at a time when our nation is governed by a dictator lawless president whose surrounded himself with corrupt officials. And these people continue to line their pockets with gold while unemployment is through the roof and families everywhere are homeless and suffering. Three decades of being PC has left America financially and spiritually broke.
- See more at: nationalreport.net
More: The Good Wives Guide to a Happy Stable Home - National Report
I know a large number of sites where this satire would get multiple thumbs up and reposts. It hits all the key RWNJ memes, God, Country, Family, Makers and Takers, Political Correctness. I’d almost make a wager that I could post it almost verbatim over at FR or some such site and be accepted as one of them. (Sort of like the great Jesus’ General posted a Himmler speech just slightly edited and was given all kinds of praise, at least until he intentionally outed himself)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a shocking end to an illustrious legal career, police arrested Justice Antonin Scalia today as he attempted to set the Supreme Court building ablaze.
Justice Scalia, who had seemed calm and composed during the announcement of two major rulings this morning, was spotted by police minutes later outside the building, carrying a book of matches and a gallon of kerosene.
After police nabbed Justice Scalia and placed him in handcuffs, the Juror appeared “at peace and resigned to his fate,” a police spokesman said.
“He went quietly,” the spokesman said. “He just muttered something like, ‘I don’t want to live in a world like this.’ ”
Back at the Supreme Court, Justice Scalia’s colleagues said they hoped he would get the help he needed, except for Justice Clarence Thomas, who said nothing.
Look, its a little strange to comment on the material in one owns’ post because it is obvious that I thought that it was funny or I wouldn’t have posted it. But Borowitz has got this satire thing down! He is definitel in the Stewart / Onion league now.
… this old Onion satire.
Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.
According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.
“I do not understand,” reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. “A booming voice is saying, ‘Let there be light,’ but there is already light. It is saying, ‘Let the earth bring forth grass,’ but I am already standing on grass.”
“The Sumerian people must have found God’s making of heaven and earth in the middle of their well-established society to be more of an annoyance than anything else,” said Paul Helund, ancient history professor at Cornell University. “If what the pictographs indicate are true, His loud voice interrupted their ancient prayer rituals for an entire week.”
According to the cuneiform tablets, Sumerians found God’s most puzzling act to be the creation from dust of the first two human beings.
“These two people made in his image do not know how to communicate, lack skills in both mathematics and farming, and have the intellectual capacity of an infant,” one Sumerian philosopher wrote. “They must be the creation of a complete idiot.”
The “complete idiots” are those who insist on believing that an obvious metaphor is literally true.
No, really. Read it all. Don’t quit halfway through.
At the end of Jurassic Park, Dr. Grant, his special lady friend, and those impossibly muddy kids are flanked in the entrance hall of the theme park by Velociraptors. It looks pretty grim until the T. rex lumbers in to bite the other dinosaurs to death and save the goddamn day despite being the central antagonist for the first half of the film.
I mention this scene because, aside from the living dinosaurs and the weird knot physics, there’s a fundamental truth in that moment: Sometimes if you surround yourself with enough terrible things, they will just cancel each other out. Fate, it seems, has a soft spot for the stupid and reckless. For proof, look no further than everyday life; some of the cultural habits and irritating trends that should, in all respects, spell doom for our species are miraculously saving lives instead. So rather than rolling our eyes when a fad like Crocs, or Sexy Vampire Stories, or Bro-Step music fight for attention in our collective conscious, let’s try to look on the bright side and determine how each of them might accidentally be protecting humanity from becoming the next fossil fuel.
For the record, I didn’t make this. I’m just sharing. Not that I didn’t think you’d guess.
Note: A few days ago, I mentioned far-left moonbats “demanding freedom and US citizenship for the Gitmo inmates.” I hope everyone realizes I made that up and I have yet to find any such moonbats. Gitmo student loans are probably next on the outrageous hoax list.
Is the Obama Administration preparing to give prisoners at Guantanamo Bay GI Bill benefits as part of a plan to “completely crush their souls with bureaucracy?” Wired Magazine reports that Republican Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’s office asked the Pentagon that very question after a constituent sounded the alarm.
The problem? That far-fetched notion came from a story on the satirical site “The Duffel Blog,” a military-focused answer to The Onion. (Wired posted the constituent’s letter and the query from McConnell’s office on its top-notch “Danger Room” blog on national security).
“I am writing on behalf of a constituent who has contacted me regarding Guantanamo Bay prisoners receiving Post 9/11 GI Bill benefits,” McConnell wrote. “I would appreciate your review and response to my constituent’s concerns.”
What triggered the unnamed Kentuckian’s worries? This post.
“By allowing the detainees to use the Department of Veterans Affairs, we hope to completely crush their souls with bureaucracy,” a (fake) Pentagon spokesman says in the piece.
Veterans Affairs Secretary Eric Shinseki is then quoted as saying: “Because most ‘guests’ at Guantanamo Bay have been there nearly a decade and there is no end in site for their ‘visit,’ the Department of Veterans Affairs is ready to have their claims processed in 12-15 years as per standard operating procedure.”
This is, as Danger Room reporter Spencer Ackerman points out, an attempt “to send up the inadequate, mollasses-slow [sic] benefits the government provides to the nation’s veterans.”
No word on whether any lawmakers have expressed outrage about this Duffel Blog post: “Study: Infantry Battalions Commanded By Females More Likely To Stop For Directions, Arrive Late.” But it only went up Wednesday morning.
Yes, the Onion has taken satire to a new level, but it was necessary.
LITCHFIELD, CT—Though she was initially upset following the brutal sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was not, in fact, legitimately raped.
‘Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn’t actually rape,’ Byars said of the vicious encounter in which she was accosted in an alleyway by a stranger, pinned to the ground, and penetrated against her will for 25 minutes. ‘It was absolutely horrific—I felt violated in the worst way imaginable—but thanks to Congressman Akin, I now realize it must, at some level, have been consensual after all.’
‘Thank God for that,’ Byars added. ‘I’m so relieved to know that my child’s father, the man who muffled my screams as he forcefully penetrated me over and over and left me hemorrhaging to death on the street, is not a rapist.’